so yea, today was her birthday. 6th april. but the whole day on the 5th she wasn't online at all. first her internet wasn't working, then in the evening around 4 she went out to give her friends a party. and yea, she gave the party on the 5th, not even on her actual birthday.

and the reason? she wanted to spend the 6th with me. just talk to me the whole day. that's it.

that genuinely made me feel something. like idk, it's such a small thing but at the same time it isn't.

anyway, when she finally came online at night, i was nervous as hell. like actually overthinking everything. i kept thinking what if she doesn't like the website i made for her. i tried making it as perfect as i could, but at the same time i know my skills aren't that great so i was already doubting it.

when it was 12:30am for me, i sent her the site. obviously didn't just drop the link randomly, i talked a bit first and then sent it.

after sending it, she saw my messages but didn't reply for like 30 minutes. those 30 minutes felt long as hell. i was just sitting there thinking she probably didn't like it.

then she replied.

she said she loved it. like actually loved it. she said it was the most beautiful wish she's ever received. she even told me she cried after listening to my voicenote. happy tears.

that's literally all i wanted. i didn't care about anything else, just that she liked it.

i know the site wasn't perfect. i couldn't make it exactly how i imagined it. but the fact that she still loved it means everything to me.

hopefully we keep celebrating birthdays like this. just us. and nothing ruins it.

ameen.

it has been a while since i last had the time to write, and honestly, so much has happened that march feels weirdly long in my head now. i don't even do this much most of the time, so the fact that these past few days felt this full says a lot.

after eid, i was busy mostly bcs my cousins were staying at my place, and i actually spent a lot of time with them. i think this was one of the first times i really stayed around my cousins properly and enjoyed it this much. usually i stay in my own little world and do my own thing, but this time i stepped out of that a bit and tried to actually be part of the moment. basically, i let my introvert self sit this one out for a while.

because i was spending time with them, i didn't really use my phone much either. im writing this today bcs i finally got some time. everyone else went to my khala's place, so now im home alone and this is basically my chance to sit down and write. i had thought i would write every night, but my life is not exactly filled with dramatic plot twists every day, so that plan did not really survive.

my cousin's wedding also happened, and if im being honest, i didn't enjoy it that much. not bcs anything was wrong exactly, but bcs weddings are just not really my thing. there is always so much chaos, so much running around, so much noise, and honestly, it all feels more tiring than fun. since it was my cousin's wedding, we also had to help with things, so it was not even one of those weddings where u just show up and chill.

the part i enjoyed more was everything after the wedding. i went out to different places with my cousins, and that is where the real fun was. today i went to watch project hail mary with my cousin, and i genuinely loved it. it was also my first time watching a movie in 4dx, and that experience was honestly so good. i should probably thank my cousin for that, and for basically all of this. most of the good moments from the past few days happened bcs of her. if she had not been here, i probably wouldn't have had this much fun. she lives in pune, so whenever she comes back home during the holidays, everyone ends up hanging out and making memories. she has come before too, but this time felt the best.

i also went to mussoorie with my cousins, which was another really good experience. we went to gun hill, which is the highest peak there, around 2,024 meters above sea level. the place was beautiful, and the view was honestly worth it. the weather got really cold on the way back, and the wind was so icy that it almost felt unreal. still, it was worth it. i had a really good time there.

and yea, we also went to this place called gularghati yesterday, and that was fun too. it was one of those places that just feels fresh somehow. there was water, not too many people, clean surroundings, no pollution, and the air felt actually nice to breathe for once. i had gone there thinking i would not even get into the water, but then somehow i ended up going in anyway and basically ruined my own plan, which is very on brand for me. i didn't even take my phone with me bcs i wanted to actually live in the moment, and honestly, im glad i did. maybe later i will add photos to my vault section if i get them from my cousins, bcs i didn't take any myself.

these past few days also made me realize that spending time with people is not always as bad as i think it will be. it can feel awkward at first, sure, but after a while it starts feeling nice. maybe this was one of those times where i needed to get out of my own head a little.

still, part of me feels like everyone is about to leave soon. everyone has their own lives, studies, and routines to go back to now that the new session is starting. and yea, maybe i will feel a little bored once that happens. but maybe that is a good thing too, bcs it means im learning how to connect with people more instead of just staying inside my own bubble all the time.

now that all of this is settling down, i really need to start focusing on studying again bcs my nchm jee entrance exam is on 25th april. i haven't prepared at all yet, so the sooner i start, the better. i don't want to get low marks or get scolded, and honestly, i need good marks anyway because my admission depends on it. so yea, no choice there. i have to study.

one thing i have noticed lately is that life has been going pretty well these past few days. nothing majorly bad has happened, and nothing has really ruined my mood. i've barely talked to my girl, but to be fair, i've barely talked to anyone. i haven't even used my phone much, bcs i wanted to actually be present and enjoy real life for once instead of just existing on screens. and i did that. so i don't think i did anything wrong.

but u know how life is. whenever things stay good for too long, i start feeling like something bad is probably around the corner. that is just how it has always been for me. when life gets too quiet, i start waiting for the crash. i really hope that does not happen now. the only things im genuinely worried about are my 12th result and the entrance exam. i just want both of them to go well. i've had enough downs already, honestly. i think it is time for some ups.

oh, and i almost forgot something important. tomorrow will make 2 years of my relationship, and on 6th april it is my girl’s birthday too. i made a website for her, and i hope she likes it. i still need to add the photos, which im planning to finish either today or tomorrow.

anyway, that is pretty much it for now. march felt long, full, and kind of unforgettable. let us see how april turns out. hopefully, it is a good one.

finally got some time to write. eid ended yesterday. everything still kinda feels like it's carrying over though.

this eid was different i guess. i actually spent time with my cousins. which is rare. i usually avoid all that and just stay in my own space, but this time i tried to be social and yea, i kinda liked it. but also didn't. like i can handle being around people, laughing and playing and all that, but only for a while. after some time i just feel drained. i need to be alone or i start getting annoyed for no reason. it's like i need that silence to reset myself or i just stop functioning properly.

we played cards. uno, which i already knew, and solitaire, which i didn't. solitaire was actually fun. didn't expect that. also found out there are like different ways to play it, not just one fixed thing. it's a mix of luck and thinking, so it doesn't get boring fast.

boards are finally over, and i thought this was gonna be my time. like actually doing what i like for once. playing games, listening to music, just existing without pressure. but no. i have to attend a wedding now. i already know it's gonna be loud, crowded, and exhausting. i don't like functions at all. they just feel like chaos to me. but it's my cousin's wedding so i can't skip.

even though exams are done, my brain isn't done. results are just sitting there in the background. i don't know how i did. probably mid. like 50–60% maybe. and that's not exactly comforting. my parents expect me to do better this time, and last time was already bad enough. i don't wanna go through that again.

i also filled the nchm jee form. exam's on april 25, and today's march 24. so yea, i should be studying. but realistically i won't start till april 1 bcs of this wedding. maybe that's just me making excuses, idk. i keep saying "i'll see" but i know i can't keep pushing it forever.

also... yea. this part messed with my head more than i expected.

i couldn't really talk to her these past few days. she was busy with eid, and her phone wasn't working properly. she said she couldn't use it much, and her mom wasn't letting her use another one either. but instead of just trusting that, my brain decided to go the worst route. i started thinking she was ignoring me, that she was busy having fun with her cousins and only remembers me when she's bored or alone.

so i said things. not great things.

and now i kinda regret it. bcs thinking about it now, she was probably telling the truth. and i just overthought everything and made it worse. but in that moment it didn't feel like overthinking. it felt real. when i don't hear from her, my mood just drops. like instantly. and the longer it goes, the worse it gets. no updates just mess with my head and i start getting irritated at everything.

i don't like that about myself, but i don't really know how to fix it yet.

anyway. everything right now feels mixed. some good moments, some stress, some guilt, some things i'm looking forward to. i have games waiting, music i haven't even touched yet. and i don't like rushing that stuff. i like experiencing it properly, not just playing for the sake of it.

but yea. life doesn't really care about that.

added a guestbook in the net/links tab today. i don't even know why i made one. it just felt like something that belonged here. old internet stuff. like those early 2000s personal sites where people would leave tiny messages like "cool site" or "i was here 3/14/2004."

i guess that's kinda the idea. proof that someone passed through this weird little corner of the internet.

most of the time this site feels like im just talking into empty space anyway. typing things, editing pages at random hours, moving buttons around by two pixels like it actually matters. sometimes i open the site just to look at it and then close the tab five minutes later. no reason. just checking if it still exists.

so yea, the guestbook is there now. if someone somehow ends up here and feels like leaving a message, go ahead. write anything. say hi. say the site looks like it was coded on a dying computer in 2002. complain about the fonts. whatever.

and if someone actually wants to connect, they'll probably find me somewhere else too. im basically scattered across the internet anyway. same username, different platforms, same person lurking in all of them.

or maybe no one will ever sign it. which honestly would be kind of fitting too.

so my boards are going on right now and there are gaps between exams. during those gaps i somehow ended up finishing tomb raider (2013) and rise of the tomb raider back-to-back. yea, i know im extremely late to these games. they came out years ago and most people probably played them a long time ago. meanwhile im here finishing them during my board exams like it's still 2015 or something.

the reason is pretty simple though. for the longest time i didn't have a laptop that could actually run games like this. my old laptop would probably have exploded if i even tried launching them. so a lot of these "older" games are basically new to me. now that i finally have a system that can actually run games properly, i've been slowly catching up on things i missed.

both games were actually really fun. the exploration, climbing mountains, tomb puzzles, and running around snowy places was way more enjoyable than i expected. it's the kind of game where u sit down to play for a little while and then suddenly a few hours pass without u realizing it. that's probably how i ended up finishing two entire games during an exam gap.

right now im basically two-thirds through the trilogy. the last game left is shadow of the tomb raider, and honestly part of me really wants to start it immediately and just finish the whole thing. but im not going to do that right now because my next exam is accountancy, and that already needs way too much attention.

the funny part is that this wasn't even the game i originally planned to play. i was actually really excited for ultrakill – layer 8: fraud and i even wrote an entry about it earlier because i was waiting for it so badly. but bcs of exams and weird timing, instead of playing layer 8 i somehow ended up playing tomb raider instead.

anyway yea, two tomb raider games finished during board exams. one more left in the trilogy, but that can wait until the exams are over.

STATUS: LOSING MY REMAINING BRAINCELLS

hakita is actually ghosting my academic career. LAYER 8: FRAUD dropped today and i have an exam tomorrow. the timing is actually evil. im stuck looking at textbooks while everyone else is probably p-ranking the entire layer and seeing whatever insane boss is at the end.

i want to play so bad. the brain rot is real. im sitting here thinking about coins and railcoins while i should be thinking about revenue accounts and balance sheets. if i fail this exam, just know it was the terminal's fault.

CURRENT MOOD:
◦ fraud: released
◦ exam: tomorrow
◦ will to live: 0%
◦ urge to bolt my laptop: 100%

it's been like a few days. maybe a week. i haven't written anything and it's not even bcs i was busy in a productive academic way. i was busy in a "deep diving into linux forums at 3am" way.

this whole thing started small. just curiosity. i kept seeing people talk about linux like it's some underground club and windows users are just normies who don't know better. so obviously i had to see what the hype was about. i made a bootable usb, opened bios, and that was it. i was gone.

i started distro hopping like it was a personality test. pop os. bazzite. garuda dragonized. random fedora spins. every time i installed one, i'd sit there staring at the desktop like "is this the one?" and then two days later i'd wipe it again. my poor ssd has been through more identity crises than me.

windows 11 is officially not my os anymore. which feels weird to say. i used windows my whole life. it's the default. it's what everyone uses. but it always felt bloated and noisy. like it's doing 40 things in the background that i never asked for. updates at the worst times. random services running. microsoft acting like it owns my machine. it never felt clean.

so i wiped it. no dual boot. no backup comfort zone. i just deleted it and committed. that moment lowkey felt insane. like deleting a part of my past. dramatic, yes, but also kinda real.

now im on nobara 43 kde plasma. fedora-based, gaming-ready, patched out of the box. when it works, it works beautifully. smooth. responsive. no nonsense. and kde plasma is actually dangerous bcs u can customize literally everything. panels, animations, blur, themes. i've spent hours just adjusting tiny visual details that no normal person would notice. but i notice. and that's enough.

it hasn't been perfect. i've seen that blinking underscore on boot more times than i'd like. i've learned what grub actually does. i understand secure boot now. nvidia drivers are still a whole situation. there were moments where the system just refused to cooperate and i had to sit there googling error messages like a detective solving a crime i created myself.

but that's the thing. linux doesn't babysit u. it doesn't hide the messy parts. when something breaks, it's on u to figure it out. and instead of hating that, i kind of love it. it feels earned. when it finally boots properly after u fix something, it hits different. like u didn't just install an os. u built it into something usable.

i've basically replaced writing with troubleshooting. replaced scrolling with reading forum threads. replaced comfort with curiosity. and honestly? i don't regret it.

im not a windows user anymore. i switched realities. new boot screen. new system. new learning curve. and it weirdly feels like progress.

anyway. that's where i've been. not gone. just switching kernels.

im bored. not "haha i'll watch a movie" bored. more like the premium, industrial-grade boredom where u open the same apps like they owe u new content. spoiler: they don't. same posts, same people pretending their life is a highlight reel, same me still lying here.

today wasn't terrible, which somehow makes it worse. nothing went wrong, nothing went right. it just happened. like a filler episode no one asked for. if i had to summarize the day, it'd be "yea, that existed."

i tried being productive for like five minutes. very brave of me. then my brain immediately went, "ok but what if we just don't?" and honestly, fair argument. i stared at my screen long enough for it to feel personal, thought about exams for two seconds, got mentally exhausted, and rewarded myself by doing nothing again.

my thoughts are all over the place. one minute it's stress about the future, next minute it's random memories i didn't invite back. then suddenly im questioning why time is moving so fast when im clearly not. make it make sense.

i think boredom is just your brain buffering. like it's loading the next emotion but the wifi sucks. so you're stuck here, refreshing, waiting for something to kick in. motivation? gone. excitement? offline. me? still here.

anyway, that's the entry. nothing happened, nothing changed, and somehow im still tired. if tomorrow is the same, i'll act surprised again. character development or whatever.

today i changed the entire layout of the site and rebuilt pretty much everything. i also changed the overall look and structure. it took me around five days, which i honestly didn't expect, but here we are.

the old version wasn't terrible, it just stopped feeling right. this one feels more like what i actually had in mind when i started the site. it's cleaner, more controlled, and doesn't feel like it's fighting for attention.

im actually happy with how it looks now, which doesn't happen often. it's not perfect and i'll definitely mess with it again later, but compared to the previous layout, this is a solid upgrade. for now, im calling it done.

so yea. it's feb 1st. boards are creeping up on me like a horror movie villain and i genuinely dont know how im supposed to finish my syllabus in this little time. preboards just ended and holy shit, they were brutal. like unnecessarily brutal. idk what kind of beef our teachers have with us but those papers were straight up evil. and if preboards were this hard, boards feel like they're gonna absolutely destroy me. no mercy, no warnings, just pain.

anyway. to distract myself (classic me), i started working on my girl's birthday website again. yes, again. this is probably the fifth time i've scrapped an idea and restarted from zero because nothing ever feels right. nothing looks the way it does in my head. people say "trust the process" but when i trust the process, the process itself ruins everything. like thanks, very helpful.

this time im thinking of something different though. a kind of starry journey. phases. progression. the final phase being the moon. she'd have to complete little tasks or interactions to move forward, and when she finally reaches the moon, there's the final letter i wrote for her. plus a voice note of me reading it out loud. i lowkey think that part could hit hard, in a good way.

im trying to gamify it so it doesn't feel like she's just scrolling through boring html pages. i want it to feel intentional. special. memorable. the idea itself feels good in my head. like yea, this could actually work. but now im stuck on what phases to add before the moon. they have to be interesting, meaningful, not corny. and that's where i start spiraling.

thinking is easy. imagining is easy. i can literally see the whole thing in my mind. but the second i open my editor and start touching html, css, js- i suddenly suck. everything looks ugly. broken. unfinished. this shit is hard asf and i hate how bad i feel at it sometimes.

i just want it to be perfect. not flashy. not overdone. just... right. i guess i'll keep trying. even if i restart again. even if the process keeps fighting me.

writing after a while, ig.

i dont really have much to say. nothing actually happened these past few days. just preboards and yea, they're going terrible, if im being real. shit is hard, like actually hard. i really need to lock in for boards or im gonna fall for sure. my dumb ahh brain refuses to cooperate when it matters the most.

today i had my business exam, but bad weather said nah and they postponed it. lowk annoyed bcs i was kinda prepared for bst. business is manageable. not easy-easy, but doable. now it's just... delayed stress. nothing i can do about it anyway.

next up: 28 jan - english, then economics (i genuinely hate eco. this shit is confusing asf) then business.

after that, preboards over. then boards prep starts. hopefully i dont fumble.

i watched a movie today called "dìdi" taiwanese-amrican. very early-2007s coded. awkward silences, old internet vibes, teenage embarrassment typa. the whole movie felt quiet but heavy, like nothing huge is happening but everything still matters. it made me feel nostalgic for a time i didnt even live through, which is kinda crazy. growing up, not fitting in, trying to be cool, failing at it, family stuff in the background. all of it felt painfully beautiful. not dramatic, just honest. i liked that. it didn't try too hard.

now im just bored. listening to music, but nothing's hitting. i want something new but i dont even know what. my taste is weird as hell anyway, so even if someone recommended something, i'd probably ignore it.

currently listening to midwest emo for some reason. dont ask why. i dont even like this genre like that. i dont hate it either. it's just... okay. maybe i like it. idk. feels right rn, i guess.

that's it.
enough yapping for today. nothing deep. just here.

worked on her birthday website today. cleaned it a bit, made a welcome page. it's still ugly, doesnt look how i want it to look at all, but whatever i'll deal with it later. today i had this idea though, a really good one. a mini-game for the site, a separate page. a night walk simulator. pixel graphics obviously, no cyberpunk im not insane, simple but detailed, cozy neighborhood at night, streetlights benches poles. she's just walking and while walking she finds notes i left. when she gets close to certain places a note shows up over her character for a few seconds. that's it. slow, calm, cozy. at the end there's one final note. i really liked this idea, i could imagine it very clearly.

i started with movement first. walking controls. they worked fine, slow and cute, exactly how i wanted. then i made pixel art of her character and it turned out really cute. i was actually proud of that part. here's the character sprite.

then i tried to animate her and that's where everything went shit. i dont know how animation works at all. asked chatgpt, followed what it said, spent around four hours just trying to make a walking animation. it didn't work. i made frames, they wouldn't animate properly. kept trying, kept failing, again and again until i just gave up. i ditched the whole game idea.

this keeps happening. i start something and the moment it's not perfect i stop. i hate that about me. i really wanted to make this game for her, i imagined it so clearly, i just couldnt execute it the way i saw it in my head. maybe i'll try again later, idk.

i was on my computer for like 7–8 hours today stuck on this. my neck hurts. and i still have my first preboard on 19th of jan and instead of studying im doing this. i can do anything but study. i feel like shit right now. i want to do hardcore drugs.

it's been two days since the incident i had with my girlfie. now everything isn't feeling right to me. everything feels weird. i've been feeling weird for the past two days and i cant even explain what it is. it's just weird. i don't even know why im here writing this. i usually only make an entry when i actually have something to say, but today i dont. im just feeling weird and lonely.

i wanna talk to someone, but i also dont. i dont know. life is getting weirder day by day. i guess this isn't a very good start to 2026. let's see what happens later.

btw, today no one was at home, and i like that. i like being alone. being alone is yippie. feeling alone isn't. feeling alone sucks :c but being alone is nice. u can do stuff u cant do around people. like blasting music on full volume. of course u can. i love listening to music on full volume. there was this post i saw the other day that said, "the lion doesn't concern himself with ear damage." and i relate to that a lot lol. i want that piece of art fucking my ears off.

anyway, i ate a lot of biscuit today bcs i was alone at home and sad and bored. im still sad and bored and i want to say something to someone. maybe that's why im writing this entry. the biscuit i ate was jim jam. it's by britannia and it's my favorite. i can never imagine myself hating this biscuit (and im literally a professional hater) bcs it's just so good. yum yum :3 i ate seven packets today and nobody knows about it. my mum would scold me for eating this many biscuits in a day, but nobody was home, so i took advantage. muheheh.

yea it's a lot, but who cares. they're my favorite. that's just what some people do when they feel sad. whenever i feel sad, i give myself a little treat. i eat something i really like. usually it's icecream and my favorite biscuit. i love icecream so much, but bcs it's winter, i cant find any in my area, which is kinda sad :c i could've ordered some from instamart or whatever, but they add so many charges on a 50rs icecream and turn it into 200rs. boom. one cone for 200. i dont mind catching a fever or anything, but i dont have that much money. god pls help me get a job. i wanna earn money so i can buy icecream whenever i want.

i talked about so much random bs today, but i don't care. i wanted to make an entry anyway :p

today i realised my site just turned one month old.
one whole month. thats kinda wild.

i didnt plan this. i didnt even think it would last this long if im being honest. most things i start just... fade out. but this didnt. i kept coming back, writing stuff, changing stuff, overthinking fonts and layouts at stupid hours. making it feel more "me" every time.

it's not big or popular or anything and that's fine. this place isn't for that. it's just mine. a month of thoughts, days, moods, and random moments i didnt wanna lose.

idk how long i will keep this going, but right now one month in. im glad this exists.
happy one month to this little corner of the internet.

i started making a website for her birthday. she's turning 18 which feels big in a quiet, scary way. i wanted to do something that actually means something, but long distance kinda limits the options. no surprises, no showing up, no stupid movie moments. just me, my brain, and the urge to make her feel special.

so yea, a website. that's what stuck.

today i didnt do anything crazy. i just structured it. made a rough layout. nothing polished, nothing pretty yet. but it exists. and that matters. especially because i dont even know how to code. im just figuring things out as i go, breaking stuff, fixing it, googling like crazy.

im not using a template this time. my site was built off one, but hers deserves better. i want it to be original. even if it's messy. even if it's imperfect. because it's hers.
efforts > perfection?

there's still a lot of time till her birthday, so maybe i'll add more things. more ideas. more little pieces of me. i just hope she feels the effort when she sees it. i hope she knows how much thought went into this.

for now, this is enough. progress is progress.

jan 1, 2026.

first day of the year.
nothing happened. like genuinely nothing.

i didnt go out. didnt do anything worth telling someone about.
i just listened to music. a lot more than usual. on loop. back to back.
songs doing all the talking so i didnt have to.

the day passed like that.
earphones on. room the same. time moving but not loudly.

it didnt feel sad. it didnt feel exciting either.
just normal. and i think i liked that.

everyone makes jan 1 feel like a checkpoint or a restart button.
mine felt more like... a continuation.
same me, same thoughts, just a different year slapped on top.

if i ever come back to this entry,
i wanna remember that the first day of 2026 wasnt dramatic.
it was quiet. music filled. uneventful.

and that was the whole thing.

last day of 2025.
feels weird typing that. every year sounds fake when it ends.

a lot happened this year. like... objectively. stuff happened. but if im being real, this year felt like any other year. nothing cinematic. nothing life-changing in a clean, movie way. just days stacking on top of days until suddenly it's december again and everyones doing recaps like we werent all kinda just surviving.

2025 was boring. not peaceful-boring. not healed-boring. just... flat. autopilot. wake up, do things, feel things, overthink things, sleep, repeat. some days felt heavy, some days felt empty, most days felt forgettable. i dont even remember half of them unless i force myself to think.

a lot of "almosts" this year.
almost okay.
almost motivated.
almost better.
almost changed.

i lost some things. i gained some things. i drifted from people without meaning to. i ghosted when i didnt know how to explain myself. i stayed quiet when i should've talked. i talked when silence would've been smarter. same cycle, different dates.

there were moments though. small ones. late nights. music sounding a little too real. random thoughts at midnight that felt deeper than they probably were. times when everything felt off but also strangely calm. those moments didnt fix anything, but they're the only parts that felt real.

everyone keeps saying "this year taught me a lot." idk what 2025 taught me honestly. maybe that time keeps moving even when u feel stuck. maybe that nothing magically changes just bcs the year number does. maybe that im still the same person i was last year, just slightly more tired and slightly more aware.

now 2026 is next.
and i dont wanna hype it up too much. every time i do that, it disappoints. but i still hope it's different. not perfect. just different enought to feel new.

a new 2016?
probably not. nostalgia lies anyway. but i miss that feeling of things being lighter. of not knowing too much. of days feeling longer and less serious. maybe i dont want 2016 back. maybe i just want something that doesn't feel this heavy.

i dont have big resolutions. no dramatic "new me" that shit never sticks. i just want fewer days that feel wasted. more moments that feel intentional. more honestly, even if it's uncomfortable. less running away from my own thoughts.

2025 is ending wheather im ready or not.
so yea. goodbye, i guess.

let's see what 2026 does.
hopefully something.

woke up and the weather was fucked.
fog everywhere. like actually everywhere.
felt like the world forgot to load properly.

stepped outside and it was just grey.
no depth. no distance.
couldn't tell how far things were and i kinda liked that.

everything was quiet in a way that felt intentional.
no rush. no noise.
just cold air and fog sitting there doing nothing.

it reminded me of silent hill but without the fear part.
just the emptiness.
that paused feeling.

i dont like bright mornings.
they feel loud and demanding.
this didnt ask me for anything.

winter mornings like this make my head feel lighter.
like im allowed to exist without performing.
without thinking too much.

i stood there longer than needed.
didnt wanna go back inside yet.
days like this feel rare.

i wish the world stayed foggy a little longer.
everything feels softer when u cant see too far ahead.

i just finished detroit: become human.

im sitting here staring at my screen and i dont know what emotion im supposed to label this as. its not sadness in a simple way its not happiness either. it feels like something heavy settled inside my chest and decided to stay there for a while.

this wasnt just a game i played. this was something i lived through.

the first thing detroit did was make me care. not loudly not instantly just slowly. alice curled up, scared, quiet. no big dialogue. just a child who needed protection and somehow without realizing it, i accepted that responsibility.

kara didnt feel like a “character” she felt like a decision i kept making over and over again. every time the game asked me to run, hide, lie, or steal. i wasnt thinking about morality systems or endings. i was thinking about alice.

then there was that moment in the eden club. traci. two androids choosing each other in a place built to erase meaning. that scene didnt scream it's message. it just showed it. love wasnt code. it wasnt assigned. it was chosen.

i didnt realize it at the time, but that scene prepared me for what kara would later become.

when the game revealed alice was an android, it should've changed everything but it didnt. not for me and not for kara. because by then the truth didnt matter anymore.

alice needed someone. kara wanted to care.

that was enough.

markus' story hit differently. leadership isn't heroic in detroit. it's exhausting. every choice felt like choosing which pain i could live with. peaceful resistance felt slow and powerless. violence felt effective but wrong.

and the game never let me escape responsibility. it never said "markus did this." it always felt like i did.

when kara said "we did it, alice..." i believed her for a moment i actually relaxed. and that's the cruelest thing the game does. it lets u breathe right before everything collapses.

"are we free?"
that question broke me.

because kara's answer "yes" wasn't truth. it was mercy. she lied so alice wouldn't be afraid in her final moments. that's not programming. that's motherhood.

alice's eyes slowly closing didn't feel like death. it felt like exhaustion. like she was tired of running.

their deaths weren't cinematic. no hero sacrifice no music swelling. just soldiers doing what they were ordered to do. androids processed like objects.

kara held alice even after it was over because letting go would mean admitting it ended.

that scene will stay with me for a long time.

hank and connor were something else entirely.
hank was already broken when the game started. connor gave him purpose, routine someone to care about again. watching that bond fail and knowing hank later kills himself felt painfully real.

depression doesn't always look dramatic. sometimes it just waits until the last reason to stay disappears.

connors tragedy is subtle. he learns too late or not at all. and in my ending, he remained a machine long enough to destroy everything. including himself.

being replaced by rk900 after everything was the final insult. like he never mattered like individuality was always disposable.

public opinion hated us.

that explains everything.

no matter what i chose, the world was never ready to listen. markus didnt want violence. i didnt want violence. but pressure turns ideals into ashes.

markus being shot by connor ended the revolution in the most brutal way possible. not with a speech not with a legacy. just a body on the ground.

after the credits, chloe asked if she could leave.

i said yes.

and now the menu is empty. no greeting no presence just light and silence.

thats detroits final move. it takes comfort away and leaves u alone with what u chose.

this game didnt give me closure. it gave me responsibility.

i dont think this is a game u "enjoy" i think it's a game u carry. i know i will. especially someone like me. someone who overthinks, who feels deeply, who gets attached.

this wasnt entertainment. this was an experience.

and i dont wanna forget it.

i tweaked the diary again. nothing wild, just added a way to drop images in between lines so the page doesn't look so bare. figured i should test it, so here's a random cat i found while scrolling.

been roaming through detroit: become human like i accidentally slipped into someone elses timeline. kara dipped with alice, todd got folded (deserved ngl), then we ended up in this abandoned place with an android named ralph who's... yea. whole energy off but kinda poetic? whatever.

markus woke up in literal android hell after that. he was basically scrap metal crawling his way back from the dead. game told me to climb some cursed slope and i was like nah it's 2am, im not emotionally stable enough for that.

this game is ancient by internet standards but i finally get why ppl talked about it so much. feels like im making choices in a life that aint even mine. kinda addicting. i heard theres like 85 endings or sum? insane.

gonna continue tomorrow i guess. detroit lore is chewing me up slowly. not complaining.

did a few tweaks to the site today. nothing crazy just... making it feel more like mine. slapped some background music on the home page, finally picked a background image for every section, threw in a falling-leaf animation cus why not. also fixed the layout so it stops acting goofy on mobile and pc.

weird how a few lines of code can make a place feel warmer. or stranger. both work.

the sites finally up. funny how i built all this without really knowing what i was doing. no code, no plan, just me messing around till the pages started looking like a place i could stay. i ignored my girl bcs i was working on this website lol. she's gonna be really mad at me. well anyway, i dont even know why i wanted a website... maybe i just needed somewhere that feels a little out of time. like it could've existed in 2002 or in some forgotten corner of the internet. guess this will be my diary now. a quiet space to leave pieces of myself whenever i disappear for a while.

so yea... this is my first entry i guess. the site is still half broken and im literally talking like someone's gonna read this when it's just me testing my own corner of the internet lol. im still working on everything, gonna finish it in a few days... hopefully. just dropping this here so it doesn't feel totally empty.