i dont really like talking to people, so this place ends up hearing everything.
so yea... this is my first entry i guess. the site is still half broken and im literally talking like someones gonna read this when its just me testing my own corner of the internet lol. im still working on everything, gonna finish it in a few days... hopefully. just dropping this here so it doesnt feel totally empty.
the sites finally up. funny how i built all this without really knowing what i was doing. no code, no plan, just me messing around till the pages started looking like a place i could stay. i ignored my girl cus i was working on this website lol. shes gonna be really mad at me. well anyway, i dont even know why i wanted a website... maybe i just needed somewhere that feels a little out of time. like it couldve existed in 2002 or in some forgotten corner of the internet. guess this will be my diary now. a quiet space to leave pieces of myself whenever i disappear for a while.
did a few tweaks to the site today. nothing crazy just... making it feel more like mine. slapped some background music on the home page, finally picked a background image for every section, threw in a falling-leaf animation cus why not. also fixed the layout so it stops acting goofy on mobile and pc.
weird how a few lines of code can make a place feel warmer. or stranger. both work.
been roaming through detroit: become human like i accidentally slipped into someone elses timeline. kara dipped with alice, todd got folded (deserved ngl), then we ended up in this abandoned place with an android named ralph whos... yea. whole energy off but kinda poetic? whatever.
markus woke up in literal android hell after that. he was basically scrap metal crawling his way back from the dead. game told me to climb some cursed slope and i was like nah its 2am, im not emotionally stable enough for that.
this game is ancient by internet standards but i finally get why ppl talked about it so much. feels like im making choices in a life that aint even mine. kinda addicting. i heard theres like 85 endings or sum? insane.
gonna continue tomorrow i guess. detroit lore is chewing me up slowly. not complaining.
i tweaked the diary again. nothing wild, just added a way to drop images in between lines so the page doesnt look so bare. figured i should test it, so heres a random cat i found while scrolling.
i just finished detroit: become human.
im sitting here staring at my screen and i dont know what emotion im supposed to label this as. its not sadness in a simple way its not happiness either. it feels like something heavy settled inside my chest and decided to stay there for a while.
this wasnt just a game i played. this was something i lived through.
the first thing detroit did was make me care. not loudly not instantly just slowly. alice curled up, scared, quiet. no big dialogue. just a child who needed protection and somehow without realizing it, i accepted that responsibility.
kara didnt feel like a “character” she felt like a decision i kept making over and over again. every time the game asked me to run, hide, lie, or steal. i wasnt thinking about morality systems or endings. i was thinking about alice.
then there was that moment in the eden club. traci. two androids choosing each other in a place built to erase meaning. that scene didnt scream its message. it just showed it. love wasnt code. it wasnt assigned. it was chosen.
i didnt realize it at the time, but that scene prepared me for what kara would later become.
when the game revealed alice was an android, it shouldve changed everything but it didnt. not for me and not for kara. because by then the truth didnt matter anymore.
alice needed someone. kara wanted to care.
that was enough.
markus' story hit differently. leadership isnt heroic in detroit. its exhausting. every choice felt like choosing which pain i could live with. peaceful resistance felt slow and powerless. violence felt effective but wrong.
and the game never let me escape responsibility. it never said "markus did this." it always felt like i did.
when kara said “we did it, alice...” i believed her for a moment i actually relaxed. and thats the cruelest thing the game does. it lets u breathe right before everything collapses.
“are we free?”
that question broke me.
because kara's answer “yes” wasnt truth. it was mercy. she lied so alice wouldnt be afraid in her final moments. thats not programming. thats motherhood.
alice's eyes slowly closing didnt feel like death. it felt like exhaustion. like she was tired of running.
their deaths werent cinematic. no hero sacrifice no music swelling. just soldiers doing what they were ordered to do. androids processed like objects.
kara held alice even after it was over because letting go would mean admitting it ended.
that scene will stay with me for a long time.
hank and connor were something else entirely.
hank was already broken when the game started. connor gave him purpose, routine someone to care about again. watching that bond fail and knowing hank later kills himself felt painfully real.
depression doesnt always look dramatic. sometimes it just waits until the last reason to stay disappears.
connors tragedy is subtle. he learns too late or not at all. and in my ending, he remained a machine long enough to destroy everything. including himself.
being replaced by rk900 after everything was the final insult. like he never mattered like individuality was always disposable.
public opinion hated us.
that explains everything.
no matter what i chose, the world was never ready to listen. markus didnt want violence. i didnt want violence. but pressure turns ideals into ashes.
markus being shot by connor ended the revolution in the most brutal way possible. not with a speech not with a legacy. just a body on the ground.
after the credits, chloe asked if she could leave.
i said yes.
and now the menu is empty. no greeting no presence just light and silence.
thats detroits final move. it takes comfort away and leaves u alone with what u chose.
this game didnt give me closure. it gave me responsibility.
i dont think this is a game u “enjoy.” i think its a game u carry. i know i will. especially someone like me. someone who overthinks, who feels deeply, who gets attached.
this wasnt entertainment. this was an experience.
and i dont wanna forget it.
woke up and the weather was fucked.
fog everywhere. like actually everywhere.
felt like the world forgot to load properly.
stepped outside and it was just grey.
no depth. no distance.
couldnt tell how far things were and i kinda liked that.
everything was quiet in a way that felt intentional.
no rush. no noise.
just cold air and fog sitting there doing nothing.
it reminded me of silent hill but without the fear part.
just the emptiness.
that paused feeling.
i dont like bright mornings.
they feel loud and demanding.
this didnt ask me for anything.
winter mornings like this make my head feel lighter.
like im allowed to exist without performing.
without thinking too much.
i stood there longer than needed.
didnt wanna go back inside yet.
days like this feel rare.
i wish the world stayed foggy a little longer.
everything feels softer when u cant see too far ahead.
— this entry unfolds when u let it —
its two fifty-seven in the morning and im sitting in front of my laptop rn. late, way too late. i opened this page thinking i will write something, but i didnt really have a topic in mind. my head is just full in a very annoying way. the last few days have felt weird. not dramatic weird just uncomfortable. like ive been carrying something around without knowing what to do with it.
got music playing while i type this. it helps a bit. keeps my random thoughts from getting too loud. also, random thought, but thanks to my fren for this. she got me youtube music. i think she paid for this one. last month we did that two-persons subscription thing and im pretty sure it expired already. i dont really remember tho. my ytm is still working, so i guess she renewed it. i gotta ask her about that. not now tho, im not feeling like talking to anyone.
i keep feeling bad about that too. im not a good friend. i ghost people whenever i feel like it. no explanation, no warning. i just disappear when my head gets messy. what a piece of shit i am. i dont do it on purpose, but that doesnt really make it better. sometimes i genuinely feel sorry for my friends. they dont deserve that.
umm... anyway. i miss her a lot. five days ago i told her i wasnt feeling like talking and that i needed some time alone. i also told her id text her when i felt like talking again. i wasnt planning to stay offline this long. i swear i wasnt. but the same day i said that, my grandma passed away. timing really said “yea, man. u know what? fuck u.” everything just happened at the worst possible timing.
the funeral was... strange. i think this is the first funeral i actually understood. like, fully. i dont really remember attending anyones funeral before. i was too little back then, not mature enought to realise what was happening. but this time i knew exactly what it meant. this was my grandma and shes no longer with us.
everyone was crying. everyone. i could see it on their faces, hear it in their voices and i just stood there. my eyes didnt shed a single tear. not even one. that scared me a bit. am i that cold hearted? i do feel things. i know i do... but they never come out as tears. its like everything just stays stuck inside.
standing there, watching people cry, knowing what was happening, knowing shes gone... it all felt unreal. like my brain understood it but my body didnt react the way it was supposed to. my grandma. gone. even typing that feels weird. everything feels weird these days.
after that, days just started passing without me really noticing. from her side, it properly looks like i just didnt wanna talk. like i chose to disappear. i hate that thought. i finally texted her today and explained what actually happened and why i was offline. its been hours and she hasnt replied yet. maybe she needs time. thats fair. i just hope she understands. i hope she doesnt think i stopped caring, cus thats not true.
i dont even know what im feeling these days. its not just sadness. its grief mixed with guilt, stress, missing someone, and this constant mental tiredness. new year is almost here. finals are coming too. i know i should lock in. i know time is running out but my brain just feels messy and uncooperative.
i hate this state. im just stuck somewhere in between... buffering, existing, music is still playing, my screen is still on and i should probably sleep by now.
thats it. thats all ive got tonight.
last day of 2025.
feels weird typing that. every year sounds fake when it ends.
a lot happened this year. like... objectively. stuff happened. but if im being real, this year felt like any other year. nothing cinematic. nothing life-changing in a clean, movie way. just days stacking on top of days until suddenly its december again and everyones doing recaps like we werent all kinda just surviving.
2025 was boring. not peaceful-boring. not healed-boring. just... flat. autopilot. wake up, do things, feel things, overthink things, sleep, repeat. some days felt heavy, some days felt empty, most days felt forgettable. i dont even remember half of them unless i force myself to think.
a lot of “almosts” this year.
almost okay.
almost motivated.
almost better.
almost changed.
i lost some things. i gained some things. i drifted from people without meaning to. i ghosted when i didnt know how to explain myself. i stayed quiet when i shouldve talked. i talked when silence wouldve been smarter. same cycle, different dates.
there were moments though. small ones. late nights. music sounding a little too real. random thoughts at midnight that felt deeper than they probably were. times when everything felt off but also strangely calm. those moments didnt fix anything, but theyre the only parts that felt real.
everyone keeps saying “this year taught me a lot.” idk what 2025 taught me honestly. maybe that time keeps moving even when u feel stuck. maybe that nothing magically changes just bcus the year number does. maybe that im still the same person i was last year, just slightly more tired and slightly more aware.
now 2026 is next.
and i dont wanna hype it up too much. every time i do that, it disappoints. but i still hope its different. not perfect. just different enought to feel new.
a new 2016?
probably not. nostalgia lies anyway. but i miss that feeling of things being lighter. of not knowing too much. of days feeling longer and less serious. maybe i dont want 2016 back. maybe i just want something that doesnt feel this heavy.
i dont have big resolutions. no dramatic “new me.” that shit never sticks. i just want fewer days that feel wasted. more moments that feel intentional. more honestly, even if its uncomfortable. less running away from my own thoughts.
2025 is ending wheather im ready or not.
so yea. goodbye, i guess.
lets see what 2026 does.
hopefully something.
jan 1, 2026.
first day of the year.
nothing happened. like genuinely nothing.
i didnt go out. didnt do anything worth telling someone about.
i just listened to music. a lot more than usual. on loop. back to back.
songs doing all the talking so i didnt have to.
the day passed like that.
earphones on. room the same. time moving but not loudly.
it didnt feel sad. it didnt feel exciting either.
just normal. and i think i liked that.
everyone makes jan 1 feel like a checkpoint or a restart button.
mine felt more like... a continuation.
same me, same thoughts, just a different year slapped on top.
if i ever come back to this entry,
i wanna remember that the first day of 2026 wasnt dramatic.
it was quiet. music filled. uneventful.
and that was the whole thing.
i started making a website for her birthday. shes turning 18 which feels big in a quiet, scary way. i wanted to do something that actually means something, but long distance kinda limits the options. no surprises, no showing up, no stupid movie moments. just me, my brain, and the urge to make her feel special.
so yea, a website. thats what stuck.
today i didnt do anything crazy. i just structured it. made a rough layout. nothing polished, nothing pretty yet. but it exists. and that matters. especially because i dont even know how to code. im just figuring things out as i go, breaking stuff, fixing it, googling like crazy.
im not using a template this time. my site was built off one, but hers deserves better. i want it to be original. even if its messy. even if its imperfect. because its hers.
efforts > perfection?
theres still a lot of time till her birthday, so maybe ill add more things. more ideas. more little pieces of me. i just hope she feels the effort when she sees it. i hope she knows how much thought went into this.
for now, this is enough. progress is progress.
today i realised my site just turned one month old.
one whole month. thats kinda wild.
i didnt plan this. i didnt even think it would last this long if im being honest. most things i start just... fade out. but this didnt. i kept coming back, writing stuff, changing stuff, overthinking fonts and layouts at stupid hours. making it feel more “me” every time.
its not big or popular or anything and thats fine. this place isnt for that. its just mine. a month of thoughts, days, moods, and random moments i didnt wanna lose.
idk how long i will keep this going, but right now one month in. im glad this exists.
happy one month to this little corner of the internet.
— this entry unfolds when u let it —
tonight i found out she lied to me.
theres this other instagram account she has. she said she barely uses it, but for the past two or three days, shes been active on it way more than usual. that alone felt weird, like a quiet red flag waving right in my face.
so yea, i checked. i stalked. and ofc she followed a guy.
when i asked her who he was, she said hes her cousin. from her dada side. no pause, no doubt. said it so casually it almost convinced me. but something felt off. his account was public. clearly based in india. so i asked again. is he indian?
and thats when it clicked. she wasnt confused. she wasnt mistaken. she was lying. straight up.
and the worst part isnt even the guy. its the fucking lie. i never thought shed be someone who would lie to me. never. i trusted her in a way i dont give to people easily. i trusted her with the parts of me i dont even talk about and she broke that trust like it was nothing.
what makes this hurt so much more is what i was doing at the same time.
i was trying to do something special for her 18th birthday. actually fucking trying. thinking day and night about how to make her feel loved. how to make her feel important. how to make her feel like she matters to someone deeply. i was learning shit i dont even understand. making a whole website for her birthday without even knowing how to code. watching tutorials, fucking things up, fixing them again. all of it in secret. just so i could surprise her.
i was also editing photos of her. making little edits. spending hours adjusting tiny details no one would even notice. saving them quietly, waiting for her birthday like it meant something huge. like she meant something huge.
while i was doing all that. staying up late, caring too much, putting my whole fucking heart into this. she was lying to me.
i have zero friends. i mean i do have some, but they dont know shit about me. shes my only friend. the only person who knows everything about me. i used to have friends. even girl-friends. but when she came into my life, i removed everyone. even the close ones. especially the girl ones. not because she asked me to, but because i didnt want her to ever doubt me. didnt want her to think i was cheating. didnt want her to question my love.
i chose her over everyone. i burned my whole fucking circle down just to focus on her.
she has many friends. most of them are girls and thats okay. i never stopped her. never controlled her. i trusted her. so why the fuck did she think making another guy her friend was okay? why hide it? why lie about it? while being in a relationship with me. while knowing im a jealous person. a trust issues typa person. while knowing how badly my head spirals.
then she brings up the past.
she talks about the time i left her. how she gave me another chance. and yea i get it. i left once. i was fucked in the head. i was going through a lot. i didnt know what to do with my life back then. honestly, i still dont. i was drowning in my own thoughts. i convinced myself that maybe i didnt love her anymore. that maybe it wasnt the same. im not good for her. so i left.
but i didnt fucking lie.
i didnt cheat. i didnt make new girlfriends. i didnt hide shit. i left cus i genuinely thought it wasnt working. i thought letting go was the right thing to do, even if it hurts.
and after months, when i finally understood my feelings, i reached out. i told her i still loved her. and she gave me another chance.
now shes asking for the same.
another chance.
and i dont want to leave her. thats the fucked up part. i still love her. i really do. but this isnt the same situation. back then, i left cus i thought love wasnt enough. i didnt break trust.
this time, she lied. she hid something. she broke my trust.
and that difference is eating me alive.
cus how do u just “give another chance” when trust is cracked? how do u go back to normal knowing someone looked u in the eye and lied? how am i supposed to not overthink every little thing now?
my chest feels heavy. like something cracked quietly and now it wont shut the fuck up. it feels unfair how much i was giving compared to how easily i was deceived. like i poured my whole heart out and watched it spill on the floor.
i dont even know what this feeling is anymore. its not just anger. its not just sadness. its disappointment. confusion. love mixed with resentment. and thats the worst combo.
i dont wanna talk to her right now. maybe not for a week. maybe two. i dont even wanna hear her side yet. not cus i dont care, but cus im fucking tired. tired of hurting. tired of explaining why this broke me.
she fucked me up. not by choosing someone else but by lying to someone who trusted her with everything.
all i know is that tonight changed something. and i can feel it sitting in my chest, heavy and suffocating, not letting me sleep.
thats it. thats all ive got tonight.
it’s been two days since the incident i had with my girlfie. now everything isn’t feeling right to me. everything feels weird. i’ve been feeling weird for the past two days and i can’t even explain what it is. it’s just weird. i don’t even know why i’m here writing this. i usually only make an entry when i actually have something to say, but today i don’t. i’m just feeling weird and lonely.
i wanna talk to someone, but i also don’t. i don’t know. life is getting weirder day by day. i guess this isn’t a very good start to 2026. let’s see what happens later.
btw, today no one was at home, and i like that. i like being alone. being alone is yippie. feeling alone isn’t. feeling alone sucks :( but being alone is nice. u can do stuff u can’t do around people. like blasting music on full volume. of course u can. i love listening to music on full volume. there was this post i saw the other day that said, “the lion doesn’t concern himself with ear damage.” and i relate to that a lot lol. i want that piece of art fucking my ears off.
anyway, i ate a lot of biscuit today bcs i was alone at home and sad and bored. i’m still sad and bored and i want to say something to someone. maybe that’s why i’m writing this entry. the biscuit i ate was jim jam. it’s by britannia and it’s my favorite. i can never imagine myself hating this biscuit (and i’m literally a professional hater) bcs it’s just so good. yum yum :3 i ate seven packets today and nobody knows about it. my mum would scold me for eating this many biscuits in a day, but nobody was home, so i took advantage. muheheh.
yea it’s a lot, but who cares. they’re my favorite. that’s just what some people do when they feel sad. whenever i feel sad, i give myself a little treat. i eat something i really like. usually it’s icecream and my favorite biscuit. i love icecream so much, but bcs it’s winter, i can’t find any in my area, which is kinda sad :( i could’ve ordered some from instamart or whatever, but they add so many charges on a 50rs icecream and turn it into 200rs. boom. one cone for 200. i don’t mind catching a fever or anything, but i don’t have that much money. god pls help me get a job. i wanna earn money so i can buy icecream whenever i want.
i talked about so much random bs today, but i don’t care. i wanted to make an entry anyway :p
worked on her birthday website today. cleaned it a bit, made a welcome page. it’s still ugly, doesnt look how i want it to look at all, but whatever i’ll deal with it later. today i had this idea though, a really good one. a mini-game for the site, a separate page. a night walk simulator. pixel graphics obviously, no cyberpunk im not insane, simple but detailed, cozy neighborhood at night, streetlights benches poles. she’s just walking and while walking she finds notes i left. when she gets close to certain places a note shows up over her character for a few seconds. that’s it. slow, calm, cozy. at the end there’s one final note. i really liked this idea, i could imagine it very clearly.
i started with movement first. walking controls. they worked fine, slow and cute, exactly how i wanted. then i made pixel art of her character and it turned out really cute. i was actually proud of that part. here’s the character sprite.
then i tried to animate her and that’s where everything went shit. i dont know how animation works at all. asked chatgpt, followed what it said, spent around four hours just trying to make a walking animation. it didnt work. i made frames, they wouldnt animate properly. kept trying, kept failing, again and again until i just gave up. i ditched the whole game idea.
this keeps happening. i start something and the moment it’s not perfect i stop. i hate that about me. i really wanted to make this game for her, i imagined it so clearly, i just couldnt execute it the way i saw it in my head. maybe i’ll try again later, idk.
i was on my computer for like 7–8 hours today stuck on this. my neck hurts. and i still have my first preboard on 19th of jan and instead of studying im doing this. i can do anything but study. i feel like shit right now. i want to do hardcore drugs.